Entry 004

Dear Reader,

Until the more worldly cares catch up to me, thoughts from an eternal perspective give me a lot of comfort.

Sometimes I wonder if God gets more glory from not coming to the rescue. Sometimes He sits back, though I pray and pray, and lets Satan win out. Or so it seems. After Satan’s damage is done, God steps in. He puts back together the pieces. He makes relationships stronger, creates opportunities for His gospel, spreads love and life in the aftermath. He turns Satan’s work on it’s head, instead of stopping it from happening.

That’s what Jesus being nailed to the cross was all about.

Sometimes I wonder if God’s up there saying to Satan, “Haha! Is that the best you can do? I’m still bigger. Just watch this!”

I hope I can hang to this peace, though I see the damage and yet am waiting for God’s redemption.

Entry 003

Dear Reader,

It’s 10:01am, Tuesday, August 4, 2015 — two days since Mr. B’s episode with bipolar.

Mental illness is very anti-climatic.

All one’s focus, energy, and ability is bent on one purpose. Sometimes for days. Convincing a loved one to take their meds again. Or getting them to the hospital. Or sometimes even finding them if they’ve run away. In the movies, once that one purpose is complete, everything gets all better.

That’s not how mental illness works.

Having that med swallowed, arriving at that hospital or finding them safe is just the turbulent beginning of the long, slow struggle back towards stability. It’s the worst is over. And things get easiest. But boy does it happen slowly!

None of that “one fell swoop” business as in the movies.

How much do I need Jesus — no words can describe.

Entry 002

Dear Reader,

Adrenaline.

Praise God for this wonderful hormone! It’s been carrying me through the past several days. Still running on adrenaline a little now. It’s going to take a while to decompress. Stress has its benefits but it’s not met to go on forever. I can’t take stock of the damage until it’s subsided.

Oh yes there’s damage. There’s a lot of my personal prayers and hopes and dreams that came crashing down. I bet I’m gonna be mad at God. Always glad He’s big enough to take it. I can’t ever win an argument with God. His word always wins out. And somehow I leave feeling good about it.

Until then, it’s time to calm down.

Pray for no more adrenaline.

Entry 001

Dear Reader,

It’s 6:06 pm, Sunday, August 2, 2015

Mr. B’s dad convinced him to take his meds this afternoon.

Our second wedding anniversary is this month. This is the first episode Mr. B has had since we’ve been married. I knew I signed up for this. It’s kind of nice, actually. There’s a terror –unwarranted really — of mental illness. It’s a fear of how be it could be, how bad it could get. It’s gotten bad. Probably could have gotten worse (Praise God for His sovereignty!) With that comes relief. The fears have less to prey on me about now; now I know what bad looks like. Bad is bad, but not impossible.

What’s impossible for man is possible for God.

What’s happened to my hopes and prayers? Not sure yet. Have to look at that next time.